Diwatang Byaning

This coming Wednesday I will have my blood work done. Wala naman akong nararamdaman na kung ano, pero na-pra-praning ako heheheh dapat pala sa psychiatrist ako magpatingin noh? Bwehehe!!! Well I drink/smoke quite alot, kaya you can never can tell… Malay ko ba kung andoon pa atay ko at baga ko, I just want to double check kung normal naman ba ang aking WBC at RBC chorvaley. After nito makakahinga na akong mabuti lol - sobrang napaparanoid ako talaga.

Anyhow lugaw next Sunday I will be flying lalush to Nueva Yorka and will be there for quiet sometime 5 weeks max, hopefully! *Puts out my left foot out of my comfort zone line!* Bahala na, but one thing I know…

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I have been in a massive job haunt for days now. Yes po Pepe Bahaghari inyong linkod [Copying Mike Enriquez tone and accent.] still jobless pa din waaaaaaaaaa well at least hindi ako loveless no bweheheh… *Kahit na $5.00 na lang ang laman ng aking checking eh may nagmamahal pa din sa akin… LOLS!*

Imagine ultimo casting calls hindi ko na pinalalagpas *Malay mo naman maging sikat na artista ako?* [Wala lang open naman ako. And besides sinong Asiana ba ang sikat bukod kay Hello Kitty? Footah yang pusang yan ni walang bibig and could not even say HI BACK TO YOU after you saying HELLO KITTY eh sumikat, ako pa kaya?] Casting calls para sa mga ihuhulog sa hagdan o yong mga sinasampal sa movies ganun bwehehe… Hindi naman ako pang SOAP.net or mala Chloe Lane sa ‘Days of our lives no’ Hehehe… I may not be like Chloe Lane pero ang acting ko noong isang araw mala Aubrey Hepburn sa ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ hehehe… WINNER kung WINNER! You know I am not that choosy. Basta wag lang tipong adult entertainment lols… Wala akong talent jan gaya ni Tera Patrick

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Ekkkkkkkkkkkk moment pala hehehe, mali lang ako ng pagkadinig. I am off today (Sunday diba? Nag Luneta? Heheh) Rest day naman po today, actually hindi din rest kasi halos half day din ako naghahanap ng work dito sa net no. Ang aking resume ipinamomod-mod ko na parang flyer dito sa ka-internetan hehehe… Kahit anong tarbahu basta marangal (Yan ang aking goal, marangal na tarbahu, since may marangal na akong titirahan in the next few weeks. Sana lang hindi ko makita na nakahilata ang aking room mate doon sa living room na walang dangal ha!) I decided na sumama sa aking newly found friends na mga baklang pariwara. Pamatay ang entrance $15 ano ba yan may kasama bang lobo yan? Buti sana kung may machine sa sinehan eh wala, *Para maka pag child o senior rate.* as in si manong cashita lang ang tinatangap at kaliwaan pa kamo!

So yon na nga yours trulili Pepe Bahaghari went to see ‘you changed my life in a moment’ hehehe *Bebe ko? Bebe ko? Bebe ko?* Fotangenang ringtone yan o hahaha naalala ko tuloy bebe ko kina Laida Magtalas at Miggy Montenegro bweheheh, as in parang kaming-kami kasi parehas silang Adik ni Laida eh! Like Miggy business minded ako, busy ako but unlike Miggy hindi po ako uber yaman hehehe… Tapos itong shota ko, mantakin mo na gustong mag-quit sa tarbahu nya? Para ano? Para mag full time daw sa akin? Ano ako sanggol kelangan pa duduin? Anong papakain ko sayo? Grava? (Totoo naman eh! Mga demands ni Laida parang ganyan din ang demands ng bebe ko as in!) [Siguro A ka, coz you’re not meant to B.] *Whisper from the background.* Teeehehehe…

And my foint is… Ang pagmamahal walang sukatan yan. Ano yan harina, nasusukat? Walang mas walang more o kug anik-anik pa! Kapag sinasabihan ko ng I love you si bebe ko ang laging ang sagot niya, mas mahal kita o ako lang naman nagmamahal sayo sa relasyon na to eh [arggggggggggggg] - eksaktimo just like Laida ADIK! Kaya naman sobrang mas mataas din na expectations nila diba? Parehas silang ADIK ni Laida! Kung tutuusin naman talaga mahal ko talaga sya, misan lang hindi ko alam nasasaktan ko sya o na dededma gets nyo ba? Iba’t-ibang tao iba’t-iba ng pagpapakita ng pagmamahal. Diba? Just like John Lloyd kahit pagoda tragedy na me sa araw-araw I am trying my best too na mapakita sayo na mahal kita pero yon na nga lang kulang pa din… Ano bang kulang ha koya? Mag sundance ako while saying I love you? Heheheh…

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Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… *Talon sabay tumbling, pagbagsak sabay split! WINNER!* Hehehe!

Pero madalas ko pa ding tanungin ang sarili ko ng mga tanong na [Tama ba ang ginagawa ko sa buhay ko?] Sabi nga ni Ate Chuva eh kung bumubukol naman diba? Sabagay!

Ewan ko ba noong Thursday I decided na talaga na I am moving here at dito ako magbabagong buhay. (As in bagong buhay kung bagong buhay!) Langya nagugulat din ako sa mga desisyon ko eh hehehe, tangina syet - nakalimot na naman kasi akong uminom ng Adderall eh bwhehehe, kaya ayan ang aking mga judgements.

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It’s been a month long that I really wanted to be alone, and now it’s going to happen… I know that socializing and blogging can’t help me with what I am going through right now… It just covers up my issues and I can’t deal with that anymore (I just hate being pretentious). Ugh, me and my big mouth, baka ilabas ko lang lahat ng ka-chorva-han dine, kaya mas nanaisin ko munang magisa as in alone. Pwede na naman siguro diba?

Tapos na ang mga social-climbing.I’ll miss you all…Most specially you! (Ang aking newly found imaginary friend). May nagtatanong na kung si Malen daw ba iyon? Imaginary nga diba? SO HINDE SYA IYON.HOLD ON - WAIT A MINUTE: Sa mga asal byaning jan na mas madami pang drama sa akin - calling-calling Chuva and HRH (HisRoyalHer) Reyns magbati na kayo for WORLD PEACE mga kabisyo! Ikaw Reyns ha inisnab mo party ko ha ang taray mo para kang artista! Ang saya-saya parang may lamay! HA HA HA… Okay tapos na ang (commercial).
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“Hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams become reality.” - L. J. Suenens

Thanks Agnes for everything… I am so blessed to have you as one of my friends *ugh, as in friends lang ba talaga?* - huhuhuh **dabog-DABOG-dabog$#%^%**)*#$&* Pero talaga salamat kaibigan…

It is true that I am really going through with alot of things right at this moment (Ikaw ba naman ang molestiyahin ng employer mo 24/7 diba?). Pakainin ka ba naman ng flurwax at ihulog sa hagdaan?&$%#%$^**_

There is no reason for me to check in myself in a Rehab. Cause it is NOT true that captain and tennille are back in each others arms… It’s just hearsay… (Wag kayong maniniwala kay Chuva! Delusional yang babaitang yan lol). Dutch why I get to keep the $100! O diva antaray? (Give it a time, say 2 weeks bwahahah charing lang pusa nangiinis lang po)… Ayan Chuvahan na… Kaya nasusulatan ng Malacanang Palace eh.

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I could have known much better that what happened last night at some parking lot in Marlton is coming my way and I “could have” done something from preventing it a long time ago - it’s just I am soooo stubborn.

I have never felt so humiliated in my entire life not until last night - I feel so less of a human that I have stoop down from someone’s level and I know much better than that, that I should and could have just avoided it a very long time ago. A LONGGGGG TIMEEE AGOOO!

What I did last night was still in my mind and still very much bothers me, I am not so proud of myself right now, I really-really feel so horrible. I did not imagine that I am capable of doing such a thing - It’s scary though…

I learned the hard way
That they all say
Things you want to hear
And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and
Your twisted words,
Your help just hurts
You are not what I thought you were
Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you
Made me think that I need this too
I’m trying to let you hear me as I am

Thanks ever to my dearest friends like Malen, Agnes and Chuva who was there last night listening to my MMK, Pinoy Thiller and Regal Shocker stories. I hope you guys won’t get tired of me - Ayan ibinalik na ni Chuva ang isang daang dolyar bwehehehe talo sya eh, ay kayo pala lol… Taasan nyo naman kasi ang bid please? LOL.

I had built a prison of my own self for quite sometime and I had become accustomed to that and had accepted the false premise that I was incarcerated for life. I have sacrifice my happiness for for someone’s.

I admit that I had become a puppet and it sucks big time! Am glad that I am back on my feet again…

I would like to thank my sponsors - Arlington for my make up, Mighty Kid for my footwear and Eloy’s for my outfit today, thanks and more power!

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I need to laugh and relax right at this moment! Am somewhat feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. What am feeling right now, is just too much, too much stress…

All I can say is am having a very painful state that includes emotional exhaustion, a loss of pleasure in interpersonal relationships, and a diminished sense of self worth.

Well I wanted to share this video y’all who is feeling the same as mine…

Don’t worry you guys, I’ll be fine… I won’t and never will be the next Heath Ledger, I am not that crazy to drink different kind of medications. What am going to do is, I’ll paint the red town on Valentines day *huhuhuhu* alone! I’ll do what Britney did. I am going to drink and drown my sorrows!

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Lune, Marte, Huwebe, Mierkole, Bierne…, Anyways. We are exactly the same as Jackie and Mimi…

As a friend told me - “You know what, that is your foreplay!” elya-elyatis kayong pareho kapag nagaaway kayo, exitement sa inyo yan eh… Nanginginig ang mga tumbong nyo parehas kapag nagbabangayan kayo! - sabi ng kaibigan ko, ang kaibigan kong saksi sa lahat ng drama ng isang byaning.

Ewan ko ba… Tila adik-adik kami sa away, hindi naman kami mga basagulera, pero totoo siguro ang sabi ng aking kaibigan, alam nya kasi wala sya sa loob ng kahon.

Aktuali, maya-maya akoy may appointment sa aking the rapist, maikonsulta ko nga…

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