More About Me...

I have alot of self-esteem, which is amazing. Cause I am probably somebody who wouldn't necessarily have alot of self-esteem... As I am considered a Minority.

Another Tit-Bit...

If you are a woman, a person of color, gay/lesbian/bisexual/trans-gender, a person of size, a person of intelligence, a person of integrity... Then you are considered a Minority in this world.

Session

Yesterday was my second meeting with my the rapist. Not much emotions thou, compared from out first meeting. – Dyus ko day!

Kwento-kwentuhan lang, sarap ng tarbahu nya no? Biruin mo makikinig ka lang tapos pang garnatcha na! Parang gusto ko na tuloy mag shift ng course intercourse ngayon pa lang, tutal kayang-kaya kong magpangap na kunwari nakikinog ako lol.

Back to my issues… No, she (Carrie Bradshaw) hasn’t diagnose me yet as bipolar and or a person that has add and yeah, no she hasn’t subscribe a medicine. Not yet. lol (Hindi po sya magazine… Walang pakialamanan. Gusto ang word na subscribe eh!) – Only my friends who are close to me knows that I am on a therapy. My fiancee and family knows nothing about this sh*t! Kayo, makinig kayo sa aking sasabihin, wag kayong magissue-issue’s jan. Mahal sya! he he he – honestly! Ligo lang ang katapat nito una kong nasabi sa aking sarili, pero hmmm I have to do, what I have to do.

There are times, that I feel so ashamed of myself. Almost everything about me she knows already. I got nothing to hide anymore! Even the birthmark on my armpit and the mole on my *** she knew about that too! I think, I just have to be myself right? Pero minsan natatanong ko sarili ko, kung tama ba yong nasasabi ko…

Kasi ganito yon…

Carrie: So what do/did you like about her?

Me: Hmmm *tingin sa kisame* hmmm, she nice sometimes… She almost does everything for me… The cooking, laundry, cleaning, driving, licking and f******… And I can really feel that she is sincere when she tells me something. But there are times too that am doubtful.

Carrie: Okay *sighsss* thats the most important thing, that you are feeling her sincerity. Is she sweet? Does she make you laugh?

Me: Yeah she is sweet… She makes me laugh sometimes…

Carrie: Do you like her attitude?

Me: Honestly? NO!

Carrie: Why?

Me: Well, she thinks different than me, I mean I know were 2 different persons here, but sometimes I just don’t understand how she thinks, I mean her logic.

Carrie: Ahhh…. How’s the sex?

Me: Oh the sex? I have no complains about that!

Anyways you know what I’ll be really, really sad if we really broke it off last time. I know, I love her., but sometimes, I don’t like that things that she does… Like for example, she wants all my attention… But if am the one who ask same thing from her she’ll not give that to me… Is that fair? How could she want everything and not give me back something? I really don’t know what’s the problem here. If it’s me or the other person?

Carrie: Your first brake up… Why did you break it off?

Me: I just want to stand on what I really believe in.

Carrie: Then why are you back together?

Me: We talked about it… Like were just gonna move forward and not look at the past… And I just blah it away… I was talking like a parakeet… And then suddenly I just blab… Oh you know sometimes… It’ s better than nothing! Opppss why did I just say that? What’s wrong with me…

Carrie: Whoa… Okay can we stop now, right at this moment and I want you to think all of that…

Me: Kala ko naman tipong pagtantuin ko ang aking mga sinasabi at nasa isip. Yon pala tapos na ang session at kailangan ko na pa lang hukugan ng quarter – masahol pa sa parking meter to ah! lol…

Protected: I am!

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Protected: The Therapy…

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Anything Goes…

Who says life is good? Whoever you are, you must be fuc*** kidding me! You LIED!!! I hope after this storm… Or whatever you call am going thru right now, I just hope to see the rainbow again or even the rainbowreels! Whatever! As many people say, after the rain… There will be a rainbow.

I dunno. I dunno what should I believe now. I have alot of questions but, I don’t have any answers. I hope someday I will understand this and find answers to all the questions that I have.

I hate gossips. I don’t read and listen to one. I do my own re-search. Cause I want the TRUTH.

After all this, I wish every things going back to normal and for that I will stay under the sun and sip that cold, cold quotes in can. I know there is a season and reason for everything that is happening to us.

I’m sorry for this rant and ramblings! Just voicing out what am feeling.

I miss having a Filipina girl. I don’t settle for anything less. I want a world class Pinoy. Where could I see one? Do I have to volunteer at some OFW Center to catch one? I wish I could find one Filipina for me. Mahal kaayo to meet a Filipino Lesbian ASAP! (Eklavu! LOL.) or if I couldn’t find one… A Bisean will do… Triplesean… Quadruplesean… If there is such a thing.

In moments like this I think of one person. My MontherFatherBlogger Inang Reyna, the person who taught me to blog. She taught me how to be an addictive compulsive blogger, triple social climber and the best of all… The formula of RITZ=Bestfriend. Thanks!

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liar, liar pants on FIRE!


THE MORE I KNOW ,
THE MORE DIFFICULT IT IS TO LIE TO ME!

Do I really need help? Tell me PLEASE! Part 1

I am so thankful that I have someone to talk to whenever I want to. It’s kind of helpful, very!
I was talking to Chuva advised me to seek medical help (Hindi last night about how am feeling about my fiancee lately. She – Chuvapo ako loka-loka, may issue lang po lol.)

See this is my problem I’ve been having doubts again… Just two-three weeks ago I even told her that (It is time to throw out the old towel… Start anew… No more Ms.Diwatangbyaning Doubtful.)

Maybe I dunno – I have TRUST issues!

But after my dream last Saturday night am starting to doubt her again. You want to know what was my dream about? That she is having sex with someone… Not just someone, I have issues on that person, cause she doesn’t really know HIM at all. They just meet hmm in effin’ myspace.com, You guys know what I mean? The guy would sms her and call her and put comments on her profile…

Last Sunday I got her password on her phone… By accident… Leche talaga, sana hindi nalangdiba sana nasa wisyo ako ngayon Grrgrrr! Without her knowing I was sneaking on her voicemail just to satisfy my curiosity… Ewan ko ba, anong gusto at hanap ko at bakit ko itoginagawa. I checked it… It was just my messages to her and some of her Thai speaking friends talking on their native tongue – I just hang up since hindi ko naman maintindihan… I have a very addictive personality, so I checked it again last night since she went out and went to this meeting chuvalais, she left home past 7PM and I saw – I am positive that when I saw that meeting on her calendar I am definite that it is 7PM… So that means she left home late and the place where the meeting is gonna be held at is like 45 mins drive from her home… (Nagdududa na talaga akosobra!!! Women’s intuition baga!)

So what I did was just keep myself busy, I went to the gym… Came back almost around 10PM and I was expecting that she’s home or was driving back home… But no… The phone is off – or was ON and OFF?)**^@#@%() I have my ways of knowing! (Paano pat naging CIA ako kung hindi ko alam?) Ni-ha-ni-ho wala… I called and called… Until she picked up… The background was so noisy! And the moment that she picked up I was asking her where she is? She doesn’t want to answer the question but instead she told me that she’ll call me back? HUH? Ano daw?

I am very uneasy… I dialed her voice mail again… There is some guy who left a message… Hi what are you doing my baseball girl? Alright honey just call me! (O diba, If you were on my shoes what would you think???) I kept checking… I thought she didn’t save the message… But since I am very nosy I did checked AGIN this morning! And It is SAVE! PUTA!
And by the way yeah she has some baseball meeting chuvalais this coming Thursday… Yan kasi ang nakasulat sa Kalendaryo nya…

Gets nyo ba ang storya ko? Praning ba ako? Ano ba kailangan ko mga payo nyo!!! Now na! Agad – agad! – No not really since I am gonna seek professional help this coming Thursday… Chuva told me last night to talk to a councilor. Wala daw katapusan itong problema kong ito. That this will always be a cycle, na kailangan ma break! May ISSUE ka GIRL! – Ispluk ni Chuva

Believe it or not malakas ang pananampalataya ko kay Chuva. Pag sya ang nagsalita tagos hanggang buto, kaya pinakikingan ko yan! Since sya ang pinakamatanda – ika nga makinig daw sa mga nakakatanda!!!

So first thing in the morning, guess what I did? Search for some professionals near my area and set an appointment! At aba may pickuret pa sila doon. *So humahap ako ng maganda at bata!* LOL. Her name is Per** Bradshaw sounds like Carrie Bradshaw diba? Binasa ko ang profile nya…

“I am a compassionate clinical social worker who uses a psychodynamic approach to create a warm and nurturing environment for my clients. I believe in the therapeutic process and believe that part of that process is developing a relationship with my clients whereby the clients feel safe enough to explore their feelings and behaviors so that change and growth may occur. Knowing this takes a lot of courage, I believe my greatest strength is to help people feel cared for and comfortable. My approach is tailored according to where each client is in their process.

I see clients suffering from a wide range of issues that include anxiety, depression, and life changing events and transitions such as divorce, loss and grief and relationship issues. Another area of specialty is postpartum depression.

I love what I do and I care about my clients. I encourage you to meet with me and see if it feels like a good match to you.”

GENERAL

* Gender: Female
* Years in Practice: 4 Years
* Avg Cost (per session): —
* Sliding Scale: Yes
* Accepted Insurance Plans:
o HealthPartners
o Keystone Mercy
o Medicaid
* Please ask about your health
insurance coverage when you
arrange your first visit.

CLIENT FOCUS

*
* Ethnicity: Any
* Gender: All
* Religious Orientation: Any
* Gay/Lesbian Expertise: Yes

* Alternative Languages: Spanish

* Age: Adolescents, Adults, Children

QUALIFICATIONS

* Graduate School: Bryn Mawr Graduate School of Social Work
* Year Graduated: 2005
* License No. and State: SW124705 Pennsylvania

SPECIALTIES
(Strengths in green)

* Postpartum Depression
* Anxiety or Fears
* Child or Adolescent Issues
* Relationship Issues
* Depression
* Divorce
* Loss or Grief
* Trauma and PTSD

TREATMENT PREFERENCES

* Orientation:
Humanistic
Psychodynamic
* Modality:
* Couples
* Family
* Individuals

I liked her profile immediately! So I phoned her and check if there will be any slots for me this weekend. She asked me some information… About my issues… It’s like she’s checking my profile too, If she can be any help to me. – I guess.

To be continued…

Do I really need help? Tell me PLEASE! Part 2

Continuation of Part 1…

We are fighting again this morning, kasi ba naman we made plans already about Saturday that she’ll be here in the afternoon. She changed it again without letting me know first kairita talaga! Mag clubbing daw sila sa Sabado kasi wala daw cover, eh teka magkano ba ang cover pag Friday? $8 lang pala! *Eh gusto mo bayaran ko na lang yan – sa loob loob ko lang* Instead uuwian nya ako after nya matapos sa club! Leche! Sabi nga ni Chuva kagabi at least sayo umuuwi! Pwede ba it’s not enough. Kung mag-GAGA sya doon na lang sya. Ayaw ko talaga ng inu-ulol ako.

CHIKA MINUTE UPDATE!

I was on my lunch break and I called her of course… Antok-na-antok… Hmmm malamang hindi pa natulog kagabi to… Hmm I did check the voicemail again… And Ohh there’s a new message, o diba ako pa daw nauna makarinig? Hey, how are you… It’s your one and only Mr. FU**. I hope you stay dry, it’s been raining the whole day… I just thought of you, cause am on my lunch break and am eating EWAN-EWAN not like you, you always eat hotdog and your favorite subway! *Confirm! It’s the guy from myspace! OO yong napanaginipan ko na ka SEX nya! Ewan ko ha… Iba talaga ako pag kinutuban, at pag nanaginip – May sumpa ba ako? May super powers ba ako?*

Hindi ako insecure kagaya ng sinasabi sa akin ng iba… Siguro insecure nga ako, sa mga nangyari ba naman sa akin sa past ko tapos ganire na naman? I made my decision! Wedding is OFF already! NO MORE! It’s done. I can’t live like this… It’s like if we continue this… Araw-araw misirable kaming pareho. Dahil alam ko sa sarili ko. Hindi maaalis sa isip ko yan! Hindi ko kayang itago ang mararamdaman ko… Masusumbatan ko lang sya. At baka masaktan ko pa sya. Ayaw ko na manakit ng kapwa. Ayaw ko na ng Karma… I AM DONE! Habang maaga mas mabuti. Mas kaunti ang sakit! Tuloy ang buhay!!! Isa lamang itong pagsubok sa akin. (Pakialamera ako, oo aminado ako! Hindi uubra sa akin yong kasabihang “the less you know, the less it hurts.”) Atribida ako no!

Dali-dali kong tinawagan ang aking hindi professional na councilor.

ME: Tita confim yong lalaki nga sa letcheng myspace.com!
Chuva: Paano mo nalaman?
ME: Sinabi kaya yong pangalan!!!
Chuva: Anong desisyon mo?
ME: Ano pa nga ba? Don’t tell me sinasaniban ka na naman ni Aling Agripina!
Chuva: Ikaw, basta keep me posted! Ayaw mo ba ng H**A?
ME: Hindi ko kaya! Nasa isip ko lang yan lagi. Hindi ko maitatago.
Chuva: Ahhh okay.
ME: Eh di kahit hindi na pala ako pumunta sa councilor sa Thursday! Kasi may kasagutan na naman ako.
Chuva: GAGA! Kailangan mo pa din!
ME: Ah ganun ba? LOL.

Wala na akong maitatago, isiniwalat ko na mga baho ko dito sa bloggey ko. But it’s good. Blogging helped me release some thoughts on my mind.

I haven’t confronted her regarding this issue. But I think, I already have the answer and no need for confirmations. It is painful. But I can’t go on like this. I know myself. I can’t go on with the relationship and pretend that it is nothing.

I guess I am better off. Just by myself. *All by myself… Na ang dramuh.*

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