Diwatang Byaning

Yesterday was my second meeting with my the rapist. Not much emotions thou, compared from out first meeting. - Dyus ko day!

Kwento-kwentuhan lang, sarap ng tarbahu nya no? Biruin mo makikinig ka lang tapos pang garnatcha na! Parang gusto ko na tuloy mag shift ng course intercourse ngayon pa lang, tutal kayang-kaya kong magpangap na kunwari nakikinog ako lol.

Back to my issues… No, she (Carrie Bradshaw) hasn’t diagnose me yet as bipolar and or a person that has add and yeah, no she hasn’t subscribe a medicine. Not yet. lol (Hindi po sya magazine… Walang pakialamanan. Gusto ang word na subscribe eh!) - Only my friends who are close to me knows that I am on a therapy. My fiancee and family knows nothing about this sh*t! Kayo, makinig kayo sa aking sasabihin, wag kayong magissue-issue’s jan. Mahal sya! he he he - honestly! Ligo lang ang katapat nito una kong nasabi sa aking sarili, pero hmmm I have to do, what I have to do.

There are times, that I feel so ashamed of myself. Almost everything about me she knows already. I got nothing to hide anymore! Even the birthmark on my armpit and the mole on my *** she knew about that too! I think, I just have to be myself right? Pero minsan natatanong ko sarili ko, kung tama ba yong nasasabi ko…

Kasi ganito yon…

Carrie: So what do/did you like about her?

Me: Hmmm *tingin sa kisame* hmmm, she nice sometimes… She almost does everything for me… The cooking, laundry, cleaning, driving, licking and f******… And I can really feel that she is sincere when she tells me something. But there are times too that am doubtful.

Carrie: Okay *sighsss* thats the most important thing, that you are feeling her sincerity. Is she sweet? Does she make you laugh?

Me: Yeah she is sweet… She makes me laugh sometimes…

Carrie: Do you like her attitude?

Me: Honestly? NO!

Carrie: Why?

Me: Well, she thinks different than me, I mean I know were 2 different persons here, but sometimes I just don’t understand how she thinks, I mean her logic.

Carrie: Ahhh…. How’s the sex?

Me: Oh the sex? I have no complains about that!

Anyways you know what I’ll be really, really sad if we really broke it off last time. I know, I love her., but sometimes, I don’t like that things that she does… Like for example, she wants all my attention… But if am the one who ask same thing from her she’ll not give that to me… Is that fair? How could she want everything and not give me back something? I really don’t know what’s the problem here. If it’s me or the other person?

Carrie: Your first brake up… Why did you break it off?

Me: I just want to stand on what I really believe in.

Carrie: Then why are you back together?

Me: We talked about it… Like were just gonna move forward and not look at the past… And I just blah it away… I was talking like a parakeet… And then suddenly I just blab… Oh you know sometimes… It’ s better than nothing! Opppss why did I just say that? What’s wrong with me…

Carrie: Whoa… Okay can we stop now, right at this moment and I want you to think all of that…

Me: Kala ko naman tipong pagtantuin ko ang aking mga sinasabi at nasa isip. Yon pala tapos na ang session at kailangan ko na pa lang hukugan ng quarter - masahol pa sa parking meter to ah! lol…

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As “over it.”

Ever since I was a child, I really wanted to be in the Broadway, as far as I remember… I used to copy Annie! I looked up on Annie, really and sings…*Just thinkin’ about Tomorrow. Clears away the cobwebs, And the sorrow ‘Til there’s none.*

According to kikipedia: Mind refers to the collective aspects of intellect and consciousness which are manifest in some combination of thought, perception, memory, emotion, will and imagination. Mind can be defined as the stream of consciousness. It includes all of the conscious processes of the human brain. The word is also sometimes used, in certain contexts, to include the working of the human sub-conscious or the conscious thoughts of animals. “Mind” is often used to refer especially to the thought processes of reason.

Theatre of the mind it is! Right now I am imagining myself as really over and done with it. (I hope so. I want to feel the excitement of knowing I did it, I have survived and life is good again.
) Our mind is a very power tool! Kaya kayo isaksak nyo sa mga kukute nyo, nothing lasts forever! I can’t wait for sun to come out again, gorgeous women will appear from nowhere before my eyes! Charok!

I did my very best part for reals. I don’t want to feel sick and sorry for myself anymore. There is no one going to help me, not even my room mate or my councilor. It’s me, myself, I and Ambient!

I may be really confused at times… It’s like am taking drugs, am drunk or whatever, but it’s just me. Absent minded kasi ako lagi sobra. I often times don’t pay attention to things and or maybe just don’t care.

We had a fight that’s been going on for like 2days now. She used very hurtful words on that txt message. I don’t think I still have to have a closure. The txt message alone is enough. I was really hurt bothered with that message that she sent me last night. I could still not fathom those words coming out from her mouth, the one that I love. Thinking and knowing that she love or just used to love me… Whatever! - Masakit! Masakit sa dibdib, alisin o luwagan ko man ang bra ko… Masakit pa din sya.

Hindi ako panget o maganda. I say I have the looks, masama nga lang! Alam ko sa sarili ko, may makikita pa akong mas sa kanya. Pero bakit ako nagtya-tyaga ako dito? Masokista ba ako? Dalawang dahilan kung bakit ako nakakabit pa din sa relasyong ito… Kung ano man yon, I better keep to myself.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it’s better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

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I know y’all gonna ask me what’s new! Alam ko!

I wanted to share my fortune or should I say misfortune? Eto ang chika…

A little craziness is just what you need — and it’ll give your relationship a boost, too. Be your wildest, most uninhibited self. The resulting shake-up will rattle any remaining doldrums in your life.

-Tama ba nababasa ko? Inuulol ba ako ng hulang ito? Craziness is what I needed? Eh kulang na lang magsaksakan kami at patayin ang isat’isa! Is that what you call a little craziness? I dunno what I really want as of now… Should I go or should I stay… Litong-lito na ako. Hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko. Hindi ko malaman kung ano talaga ang gusto ko. Nahawa na po ako ng pagka-bipolar.

I feel angry, embarrassed and ashamed at times. Am I to be considered an in denial battered woman? I have experienced alot of abuse, really. But I managed to stay alive and fight it. Quitters are losers and I’m no quitter.

I may not have any black eyes and or broken bones. However, domestic abuse encompasses a whole range of ways of controlling and hurting. My stupid mistake is thinking the one who hurt me most, won’t hurt me again… Words sometimes can hurt more than a punch. Words penetrate your very being, have the ability to make or break your day. Words hurt the spirit and bruise the heart, some “internal’ bruises stay with you a life time. - NOooo she didn’t call me the N word thou. LOL. - Kaya nga I really need to talk and see my councilor no… Ano ba tong nararamdaman ko? Is it love or lust?

I have traveled a road going far too down and deep… I should have looked first before I took this road.

I have lost my self-esteem. For me this is very important. The most important possession a person has is their self-esteem. Self-esteem can move mountains and maybe, just maybe change your fortune too…

It’s not about complaining, blaming or even pointing fingers… I guess “Life is all about turning lemons into lemonade”.

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A woman of my word!

Ang nakaraan sa pakikipagsapalaran ko… [The past in my misadventures lol…]

I broke it off the other day, and the next morning I took it back. And played CIA and FBI and blah-blah-yadda-yadda found something. (I should have played CIA and FBI before I it took back.) *Tsk sayang… Sabay snap ng fingers!*

We are back in each others pus***. I decided to okay just work it out. Work out our fucked up relationship. If not for playing CIA and FBI sana masaya pa din kami, ako hanggang ngayon. Promise hindi na ako magiging atribida at pakialamera. I have created my own monster. Bahala ka kung lokohin at gaguhin mo ako bahala ka, wala na akong pakialam! Am tried! I don’t care anymore. I have really learned to love her for reals. Basta ako malinis ang konsensya ko. Wala akong ginagawa. (Yeah I have lied to her too. But in a different level. I know, I know it’s still a lie.) I have not talked to any of my ex and anybody that I have flirted before.

Whenever were together as in pakiramdam ko reyna ako sa mga paglilingkod nya sa akin! Believe me she would even clean my nose and ears after i take a bath. She cooks for me/us. Pinapaypayan pa ako nyan kung naiinitan ako. She does everything for me tapos ganito pala? I don’t even go to her place anymore. Not that often. She has to drive 45 minutes to see me, every week… Kagandahan ba ako?

Buhay nga naman. BENEFIT of the DOUBT kung ganun ang labanan lol. Forgive and Forget!

Sunday’s plan is to play golf. Instead I have something on my mind. Why don’t we play hmmm paint ball, war games and or do rock climbing and or white water rafting! So I phoned her and told her what’s on my mind… She liked the idea. So top priority is the white water rafting and the paint ball while it’s still warm and can do outdoor stuff.

Masama na kung masama…. Pero kung mag paint ball kami o kahit pa war games… We are not going to play for the same team pero shempre hindi nya alam yon… Naiisip nyo ba naiisip ko? Bwahahah… Para kahit papano makaganti ako ng hindi nya alam. At kung white water rafting naman… Eh lunurunin ko na lang sya. *Sayang sana insured sya ng $1 million lol.*

Sex last Friday was ahhh G-R-E-A-T! *Sings… Mr. Lover lover, Mr. Lover lover, girl, Mr. Lover lover. She call me Mr. Boombastic say me fantastic, touch me in me back. She say I’m Mr. Romantic la-la-la-la-la*

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Yesterday I went to see my Therapist for the first time. But before I see her. I did a little therapy myself. I cleaned my room and the bathrom lol.

[At the office] So I blab right away… (Of course, it’s just a 45 mins session. And I don’t want to waste any second, minute of it.)

She just listened to my story and the drama of my life. Do you want to know what she told me? (Uh-uh I am not what you need girl! You need a Life Coach! You cu*tsucking b*tch.) Nah she didn’t course not. It felt good and right talking to her.

In fairness she is very young and very attractive person. *Sizzles… Awww*

Case accepted! I need to see her at least once or every other week. Yeah, I have alot of issues! I guess. - But just in-denial of it. I don’t know cause right now I am very confused and I have alot of emotions inside me just bottled up. It is very good that I have someone to talk to. It helped sorta… No rush am not in a hurry… I know it takes time to heal someone who had been broken alot of times.

I guess I maybe whole outside… But inside me, it’s like broken and shattered glasses. I have been in-n-out of abusive relationship in the past… I was once a victim of domestic violence. I use to heal myself. Yeah-huh, I was once healed. But once and again I am broken. That’s why I decided to get a help from a professional. I look forward of living my life the way it used to be…

I broke it off the other day, and the next morning I had a chance to talk to my dear friend Le and asked his opinion. In a way he is right. I shouldn’t invaded her thing. I should have waited. I should let her do her thing. I should not have not mind her own business. He even told me yeah what if she’s just confuse blah-blah-blah… And it’s over and done. He even told me that I shou;d have given her the benefit of the doubt. — Right away I called her. And ask for an apology (Even she lied to me, I still asked for her forgiveness. I am wrong. So, you know were back, in each others pu****.)

I will be seeing her tonight, so I got her a bouquet of pink roses yesterday. After 10 mins. There I go again… I found myself playing FBI and CIA again. I have discovered something. Confirm. They had been together. NO doubt about it. I don’t want to go thru the details. I don’t want to feel the pain again. - Cause for me right now am fine already. I have accepted it. Maybe it’s my fate. You know what? I couldn’t even cry anymore.

I will try my best to show her that I still love her very much in spite of what she did. In fact, the way I treated her was as if I was the one who made a mistake. - REVERSE! I don’t play CIA or FBI anymore. I promise that myself. Healing begins in me, instead I forgive and forget. Whew tangina! (Son of a bit**) He he he…

“I may be able to bear the pain when love begins to hurt. And when it hurts, I may still be able to give even more. I may be even able to love until it hurts no more.” - This is my Iwa Motto Yamamotto! (Barilin nyo ako ng BB gun nyo, Asan na ang guro? Lumabas ka jan!) Paging Teacher Gee!

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Who says life is good? Whoever you are, you must be fuc*** kidding me! You LIED!!! I hope after this storm… Or whatever you call am going thru right now, I just hope to see the rainbow again or even the rainbowreels! Whatever! As many people say, after the rain… There will be a rainbow.

I dunno. I dunno what should I believe now. I have alot of questions but, I don’t have any answers. I hope someday I will understand this and find answers to all the questions that I have.

I hate gossips. I don’t read and listen to one. I do my own re-search. Cause I want the TRUTH.

After all this, I wish every things going back to normal and for that I will stay under the sun and sip that cold, cold quotes in can. I know there is a season and reason for everything that is happening to us.

I’m sorry for this rant and ramblings! Just voicing out what am feeling.

I miss having a Filipina girl. I don’t settle for anything less. I want a world class Pinoy. Where could I see one? Do I have to volunteer at some OFW Center to catch one? I wish I could find one Filipina for me. Mahal kaayo to meet a Filipino Lesbian ASAP! (Eklavu! LOL.) or if I couldn’t find one… A Bisean will do… Triplesean… Quadruplesean… If there is such a thing.

In moments like this I think of one person. My MontherFatherBlogger Inang Reyna, the person who taught me to blog. She taught me how to be an addictive compulsive blogger, triple social climber and the best of all… The formula of RITZ=Bestfriend. Thanks!

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Manat,

You really made me very happy and you know what? I haven’t felt this feeling in a very long time. I hope in a way I made you happy too! Thank you so much for the time that you spent with me.

When I fell in love with you, I had wish that what am feeling just grows and just stays with me forever. You belong in my heart!, and what’s inside my heart will always be with me wherever I go. Sometimes when we fall in love with someone, we always wish that feeling would mutually grow and stay forever. But sometimes, no matter how perfect a relationship may seem, people just change and forget their promises of forever.

Love and relationships suddenly take unexpected turns ., I guess it always happens. People we love and treasure are taken away from us for a reason. We just have to stop asking why and just accept our fate. I am thankful that for once again… I have loved and shared my life.

I can’t be with you anymore. Am really sorry, I wasn’t enough for you. I love you and am letting you go.

I wish you well always! Again for the last time… I love you so much and goodbye.

Note:
I already broke it off yesterday.
I am not mad and I don’t want to feel mad. I forgive her to what she did to me.
“Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they are going to love you just as much in return.”

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I am so thankful that I have someone to talk to whenever I want to. It’s kind of helpful, very!
I was talking to Chuva advised me to seek medical help (Hindi last night about how am feeling about my fiancee lately. She - Chuvapo ako loka-loka, may issue lang po lol.)

See this is my problem I’ve been having doubts again… Just two-three weeks ago I even told her that (It is time to throw out the old towel… Start anew… No more Ms.Diwatangbyaning Doubtful.)

Maybe I dunno - I have TRUST issues!

But after my dream last Saturday night am starting to doubt her again. You want to know what was my dream about? That she is having sex with someone… Not just someone, I have issues on that person, cause she doesn’t really know HIM at all. They just meet hmm in effin’ myspace.com, You guys know what I mean? The guy would sms her and call her and put comments on her profile…

Last Sunday I got her password on her phone… By accident… Leche talaga, sana hindi nalangdiba sana nasa wisyo ako ngayon Grrgrrr! Without her knowing I was sneaking on her voicemail just to satisfy my curiosity… Ewan ko ba, anong gusto at hanap ko at bakit ko itoginagawa. I checked it… It was just my messages to her and some of her Thai speaking friends talking on their native tongue - I just hang up since hindi ko naman maintindihan… I have a very addictive personality, so I checked it again last night since she went out and went to this meeting chuvalais, she left home past 7PM and I saw - I am positive that when I saw that meeting on her calendar I am definite that it is 7PM… So that means she left home late and the place where the meeting is gonna be held at is like 45 mins drive from her home… (Nagdududa na talaga akosobra!!! Women’s intuition baga!)

So what I did was just keep myself busy, I went to the gym… Came back almost around 10PM and I was expecting that she’s home or was driving back home… But no… The phone is off - or was ON and OFF?)**^@#@%() I have my ways of knowing! (Paano pat naging CIA ako kung hindi ko alam?) Ni-ha-ni-ho wala… I called and called… Until she picked up… The background was so noisy! And the moment that she picked up I was asking her where she is? She doesn’t want to answer the question but instead she told me that she’ll call me back? HUH? Ano daw?

I am very uneasy… I dialed her voice mail again… There is some guy who left a message… Hi what are you doing my baseball girl? Alright honey just call me! (O diba, If you were on my shoes what would you think???) I kept checking… I thought she didn’t save the message… But since I am very nosy I did checked AGIN this morning! And It is SAVE! PUTA!
And by the way yeah she has some baseball meeting chuvalais this coming Thursday… Yan kasi ang nakasulat sa Kalendaryo nya…

Gets nyo ba ang storya ko? Praning ba ako? Ano ba kailangan ko mga payo nyo!!! Now na! Agad - agad! - No not really since I am gonna seek professional help this coming Thursday… Chuva told me last night to talk to a councilor. Wala daw katapusan itong problema kong ito. That this will always be a cycle, na kailangan ma break! May ISSUE ka GIRL! - Ispluk ni Chuva

Believe it or not malakas ang pananampalataya ko kay Chuva. Pag sya ang nagsalita tagos hanggang buto, kaya pinakikingan ko yan! Since sya ang pinakamatanda - ika nga makinig daw sa mga nakakatanda!!!

So first thing in the morning, guess what I did? Search for some professionals near my area and set an appointment! At aba may pickuret pa sila doon. *So humahap ako ng maganda at bata!* LOL. Her name is Per** Bradshaw sounds like Carrie Bradshaw diba? Binasa ko ang profile nya…

“I am a compassionate clinical social worker who uses a psychodynamic approach to create a warm and nurturing environment for my clients. I believe in the therapeutic process and believe that part of that process is developing a relationship with my clients whereby the clients feel safe enough to explore their feelings and behaviors so that change and growth may occur. Knowing this takes a lot of courage, I believe my greatest strength is to help people feel cared for and comfortable. My approach is tailored according to where each client is in their process.

I see clients suffering from a wide range of issues that include anxiety, depression, and life changing events and transitions such as divorce, loss and grief and relationship issues. Another area of specialty is postpartum depression.

I love what I do and I care about my clients. I encourage you to meet with me and see if it feels like a good match to you.”

GENERAL

* Gender: Female
* Years in Practice: 4 Years
* Avg Cost (per session): —
* Sliding Scale: Yes
* Accepted Insurance Plans:
o HealthPartners
o Keystone Mercy
o Medicaid
* Please ask about your health
insurance coverage when you
arrange your first visit.

CLIENT FOCUS

*
* Ethnicity: Any
* Gender: All
* Religious Orientation: Any
* Gay/Lesbian Expertise: Yes

* Alternative Languages: Spanish

* Age: Adolescents, Adults, Children

QUALIFICATIONS

* Graduate School: Bryn Mawr Graduate School of Social Work
* Year Graduated: 2005
* License No. and State: SW124705 Pennsylvania

SPECIALTIES
(Strengths in green)

* Postpartum Depression
* Anxiety or Fears
* Child or Adolescent Issues
* Relationship Issues
* Depression
* Divorce
* Loss or Grief
* Trauma and PTSD

TREATMENT PREFERENCES

* Orientation:
Humanistic
Psychodynamic
* Modality:
* Couples
* Family
* Individuals

I liked her profile immediately! So I phoned her and check if there will be any slots for me this weekend. She asked me some information… About my issues… It’s like she’s checking my profile too, If she can be any help to me. - I guess.

To be continued…

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Continuation of Part 1…

We are fighting again this morning, kasi ba naman we made plans already about Saturday that she’ll be here in the afternoon. She changed it again without letting me know first kairita talaga! Mag clubbing daw sila sa Sabado kasi wala daw cover, eh teka magkano ba ang cover pag Friday? $8 lang pala! *Eh gusto mo bayaran ko na lang yan - sa loob loob ko lang* Instead uuwian nya ako after nya matapos sa club! Leche! Sabi nga ni Chuva kagabi at least sayo umuuwi! Pwede ba it’s not enough. Kung mag-GAGA sya doon na lang sya. Ayaw ko talaga ng inu-ulol ako.

CHIKA MINUTE UPDATE!

I was on my lunch break and I called her of course… Antok-na-antok… Hmmm malamang hindi pa natulog kagabi to… Hmm I did check the voicemail again… And Ohh there’s a new message, o diba ako pa daw nauna makarinig? Hey, how are you… It’s your one and only Mr. FU**. I hope you stay dry, it’s been raining the whole day… I just thought of you, cause am on my lunch break and am eating EWAN-EWAN not like you, you always eat hotdog and your favorite subway! *Confirm! It’s the guy from myspace! OO yong napanaginipan ko na ka SEX nya! Ewan ko ha… Iba talaga ako pag kinutuban, at pag nanaginip - May sumpa ba ako? May super powers ba ako?*

Hindi ako insecure kagaya ng sinasabi sa akin ng iba… Siguro insecure nga ako, sa mga nangyari ba naman sa akin sa past ko tapos ganire na naman? I made my decision! Wedding is OFF already! NO MORE! It’s done. I can’t live like this… It’s like if we continue this… Araw-araw misirable kaming pareho. Dahil alam ko sa sarili ko. Hindi maaalis sa isip ko yan! Hindi ko kayang itago ang mararamdaman ko… Masusumbatan ko lang sya. At baka masaktan ko pa sya. Ayaw ko na manakit ng kapwa. Ayaw ko na ng Karma… I AM DONE! Habang maaga mas mabuti. Mas kaunti ang sakit! Tuloy ang buhay!!! Isa lamang itong pagsubok sa akin. (Pakialamera ako, oo aminado ako! Hindi uubra sa akin yong kasabihang “the less you know, the less it hurts.”) Atribida ako no!

Dali-dali kong tinawagan ang aking hindi professional na councilor.

ME: Tita confim yong lalaki nga sa letcheng myspace.com!
Chuva: Paano mo nalaman?
ME: Sinabi kaya yong pangalan!!!
Chuva: Anong desisyon mo?
ME: Ano pa nga ba? Don’t tell me sinasaniban ka na naman ni Aling Agripina!
Chuva: Ikaw, basta keep me posted! Ayaw mo ba ng H**A?
ME: Hindi ko kaya! Nasa isip ko lang yan lagi. Hindi ko maitatago.
Chuva: Ahhh okay.
ME: Eh di kahit hindi na pala ako pumunta sa councilor sa Thursday! Kasi may kasagutan na naman ako.
Chuva: GAGA! Kailangan mo pa din!
ME: Ah ganun ba? LOL.

Wala na akong maitatago, isiniwalat ko na mga baho ko dito sa bloggey ko. But it’s good. Blogging helped me release some thoughts on my mind.

I haven’t confronted her regarding this issue. But I think, I already have the answer and no need for confirmations. It is painful. But I can’t go on like this. I know myself. I can’t go on with the relationship and pretend that it is nothing.

I guess I am better off. Just by myself. *All by myself… Na ang dramuh.*

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