Diwatang Byaning

What happens if you don’t have self-esteem?

You will hesitate to report a crime. You will hesitate to go for the job that you wanted. You will hesitate to ask for a “raise”. You will hesitate to vote. You will hesitate to call yourself an American.
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Popularity: 9% [?]

I don’t want the air that I breathe in… I feel so consumed by my own life… *Shet na malagkit, nagkadikit-dikit!*
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Popularity: 14% [?]

I felt really, really down last week… It was indeed a very tough week for me! There had been alot of challenges lately… What I felt was I sad/depress/angry and I loathed just everybody that cross my way, including myself! *Lintek, daig ko pa ang naka downers noong nakaraang lingo! Para akong naka tira ng tataritas na sinamahan ng amoy ng bawal na utot!* Ganun ako ka down. Feeling ko nga may bipolar disorder na ako eh. Lala ko may ADHD slight autism tapos may comlikasyon pa ng bipolar? Waahhhh!!!

Eh paano ba naman, kung lait-laitin na lang ako noong naturingang kong kaibigan ko daw eh. Baka may mailabas lang akong di karapat-dapat! Sus, kala mo eh kung sinong mayaman! Kung alam nyo lang, hayy nako ayaw ko na lang magsalita. Nilait-lait lang naman ako, na kesyo hindi ako nakatapos sa aking pagaaral… Na kesyo atchay lang daw ako! Eh ano ngayon? Ang masama kung may pinagaralan ako let’ say may MBA ako tapos nagpaka atchay ako diba? Doon ako mahiya diba? Korek ba ang rasyonal ko dito? Atsaka kahit na atchay lamang ako, kumikita ako ng $60,000.00 a year neto! *Charing lang, hindi pala ako yon… Kapwa nanny ko lang po! Hindi ako yon okay… Wag nyo akong pa kidnap, wa akong angie!* O diba prestige lang ang wala sa tarbahu naming mga nanny! Pero mas malaki pa kamo kumita ang ibang nanny jan, parang sahod na din ng isang nurse o doktor no! Doktor? Exxag lang ako lol.

Downers na nga ako diba, sabayan pa ba ng jowa ko? Na akala ko eh susuporta sa akin eh isa din sa nagpa down sa akin!

Sabay-sabay kamo ang mga ka-bad-tri-pan sa buhay ko! Araw-araw iritable ako. Hindi ako masaya, walang ngiting makikita sa aking mga mata. Bakas na bakas ang kalungkutan sa aking mga muka. Na tila pasan ko ang daigdig. *Mala Sharon Cuneta!* I just hate being like this. I hate, hating people. This is not me.

Ngayon up na ulit ako! [YEHEY] Kung mga dalawang lingo pa kamo akong na ka down baka nagpakatiwakal na kamo ako. (Depression really hurts, and that’s TRUE!)

Today I decided to put myself back again in the pedestal! Whoa, bigat ba? I will be on track again… Tomorrow I will be re-born… It’s the return of the comeback! Yeah, after working out earlier, and I was in the shower I told myself to just start anew… Wash down the drain all those negativeness inside me. [Todo hilod kamo!]

I promise myself, no one and nobody can put me down and belittle me anymore! I will be as arrogant as I could be! [Para hindi ako makain ng buhay!] He he he… Laban kung laban!

Popularity: 4% [?]

No, Am not sufferring from postpartum depression! [Yiheee!!!]

Like my Nurse friend Gail told me it might just be some kind of hormonal imbalance. [True that! My body’s just releasing alot of estrogen lately…] [Estrogen? Ibig bang sabihin nyang eh magiging tunay na babae na ako?]

So it was my freakin’ hormones who is blogging and yapping yesterday. LOL

Popularity: 3% [?]

Am old, Old enough to be your Mother! Yes you, whoever you are.

And still doesn’t know what to do in my so called LIFE.

Honestly, I know what I want., But just don’t know how to get it.

When I was younger I wanted to be a Doctor, an Astronaut and yes even an Actor! But none of it happened.

I still have alot of thoughts in my mind… The what ifss! What if I did that and this blah blah blah blah…

Am still kind of depress cuz of WORK!!_)&&%$$@@#!#$@%^%*&*_)

Well I’ve been working at my current JOB for over seven years already. I learned to love it! But I dunno if am still feeling the same thing for this job. I am earning enough. I have benefits. It paid my bills and the rent.

But I don’t think that would be enough to make me stay. Am not happy anymore. And that’s the most important thing for me. If am happy or not. There are times that i feel so hypocrite about myself. I just hate pretending like everythings okay and fine but really no it’s not!

It’s stressing me out to do something that Am not feeling anymore. [So acting is not for me lol but still would love to move in Hollywood and do casting calls.]

I am quitting… I will do it. I can do it. As soon as possible. [On the process of looking for other jobs.]

I don’t really know where am heading… If it’s gonna be the same state or out of state… I guess whatever comes first right?

I am so willing to move even if it’s gonna be in Alaska! LOL. [Hell I don’t know what’s in Alaska for me…]

New York [Maybe in Broadway? Sighsss…]

Los Angeles [Whoa, maybe do another casting call for a laundry lady? Uhg!]

Nevada [Cocktail girl or Dealer.]

Am pretty flexible and hardworking person. I can do anything. And am a fast learner so I don’t think I’ll have a problem.

Popularity: 2% [?]

It’s been my second day at home and not working at all. [I feel so lazy these days…]
No I haven’t quit yet. Not yet. I wish, I could as in asap! But can’t without having a backup plan - plans. *Sucks for me uhhgghh.*

I dunno what’s happening to me…

Is this postpartum? Ha ha ha…

I feel so lazy, depress uhhg I so can feel so much negativeness around me! I Just hate it.

So am just here at my bedroom. Staring at the four corners of my ceiling, piggin‘ out and watchin‘ tv the whole effin‘ day. I feel so consumed by my whole life. By thinking of new things to do. — Careerwise. I don’t know what I really want to do out of my life…

It just saddens me…

I mean it’s so beautiful outside and am like this. Anti-social et al [Prisoner of my own home.]

You want to know my achievements yesterday?

As soon as i got home i just laid in my bed the whole day and watched Saving Face. Seriously!

And today…

Well I got up from bed early like 12sh and was just on the phone the whole day talking to an old dog and i think it just worsen my situation. So I decided to just hangup the cellie and took a bath and figure out what’s next…

While in the shower… Thoughts are just running in my mind like mushrooms. [I just wanna wash these negative thoughts away… Down the drain.]

After that

I changed my sheets… From brown to hot pink!

And now am ready to face the world. Again. Start anew.

I am so gonna read the Greatest Miracle in The World By OG Mandino… Next week, Chuva’s gonna let me borrow it. Hopefully it’ll be a help.

I don’t have any right to be depress…

Popularity: 2% [?]